Like, how I will feel if I find out I'm not pregnant at the end of the TWW - can I keep myself from being too terribly sad and going into a week-long "funk", yet again? Can I figure out a way to be positive and hopeful again?
Or, how I will I feel if I find out I am pregnant - will I start worrying about all that can still go wrong, or will I be able to bask, just for a moment, in the pure happiness of the news? Will I tell anyone about the good news, for fear that it won't last like the last time?
Then, I try to focus on anything and everything not related to this time-stopping TWW. And that's when my mind moves to random thoughts about my past and considerations on how I can still figure out a way to productively cope with the news, regardless of the outcome eight days from now, keeping an active mind on life in general and not just on the all encompassing TTC life.
You see, before I started this whole TTC business I used to define myself through running. It was what made me feel good, inside and out. It gave me a competitive spirit I never knew I had and introduced me to some of my closest friends today.
To date, I have run 10 marathons, with many of them setting new personal records. I LOVED everything about running - how I would feel at the end of a 20-mile training run, tired but in such a good way, how happy I'd be when I hit my times right on the mark during a quality run, etc.
Before I became a runner, I was in a pretty bad place. Dating someone for WAY too long (7 years with no proposal in sight, not typically a good thing) who brought out the worst in me and was just, bottom-line, not my Mr. Right; in a career path that wasn't going anywhere, neither financially nor spiritually, drinking and smoking too much, and about 20 lbs overweight.
Once the break-up happened though, I lost a lot of weight (thank you depression) and had a friend suggest that we train for a marathon together. I had run a couple of 1/2 marathons before, but a full marathon? Well, that just seemed crazy.
Of course, with all the new free time I had, I decided to give it a shot. It was either that or continue along the dangerous path of drinking/smoking way too much, which was leading nowhere. Thankfully, once I made the decision to run the marathon, that part of my life quickly disappeared.
As it turns out, I was pretty good at the running thing and after my first marathon decided to join a running group that met three times a week. The rest is history.
Quite simply, running became a huge part of my life. I met my closest friends through the group and was running up to 60 miles a week, with new marathons and new goal times in mind every six months or so.
It was also one of the things that attracted my husband, John, to me right away. He loved how competitive I was (he being a competitive mountain biker himself) and how hard I worked for those fast finish times (and age-group wins).
Fast forward to today. In the beginning of our TTC days, I was told to keep my mileage under 50 miles a week. Then, after the two miscarriages I was told that even 40 miles a week was too much.
Now, with my new doc, I'm under strict orders to keep my running to a maximum of 4 days at 45 minutes to an hour each. Even in my fastest running days that would equal to less than 30 miles a week.
If you're not a runner, you probably have a hard time understanding how difficult these restrictions have been for me. Running used to make me feel whole and fit and able to take on the world. Without it, or at least without the competitive, hard-core nature of it, it's been difficult for me to maintain that positive self-outlook I once had or even have the motivation to keep running.
I think if I had been able to get pregnant and hold onto the baby one of those first two times, I would feel differently, it would have felt all worth it in the end. But right now, still not knowing if this will be the month, it's hard to keep that pure end goal top-of-mind.
With each new hopeful day there seems to be a looming disappointment waiting to happen, which just becomes trying over time.
I will say though that today, out of all days this month, I feel better and stronger than I have in a long time. This morning I went on one of my four runs this week and it just felt darn good to be out there running - regardless of the mileage or the speed.
My new goal, and new perspective moving forward, is to stay healthy, keep strong, exercise consistently and know that no matter what, in the end, we WILL have our baby #1. It WILL happen for us and our best year is just ahead.
As my husband tells me almost daily, I'm training for a new race, the most important one of our lives, and after we get past all of that, and have our little family intact, my fastest running days are there for the taking.
So, to close this post, I will share the good fortune I received with my Chinese take-out on Friday, a fortune that I can only believe means good things are just ahead.
No comments:
Post a Comment